Carpet Spurn

SCENE 1

We open on the magnificent Iman square, Esfahan, where Hamish has just filled his second memory card before realising he's been taking all his pictures with a disastrously inappropriate film speed and spots on the sensor. He is seriously unhappy. We see him scowl and utter various incomprehensible words under his breath.

Enter fourth carpet salesman of the hour.

CS4 Hi. Where you from?

Hamish What?

CS4 Where you from?

Hamish Oh, England.

CS4 David Beckham. Toby Blair.

Hamish (feeling sorry for poor Gordon who hasn't even made it into the Iranian consciousness before he is out) Yes.

CR4 My name is Ali.

Hamish Hi Ali.

CS4 Esfahan beautiful right.

Hamish Yes, beautiful.

CS4 You welcome. I have brother in Manchester and aunt in Liverpool.

Hamish (Thinks: Of course you do. Every carper seller has at least one family member in a Premiership division football city. They rarely live anywhere else).

CS4 The weather is perfect in Esfahan yes?

Hamish Yes.

CS4 England raining, right?

Hamish Right.

CS4 How many days you have stay in Esfahan. Two or three?

Hamish Yes, two or three.

CS4 Have you been Imam mosque.

Hamish Yes.

CS4 Beautiful, yes?

Hamish Yes.

CS4 My brother has shop.

Hamish (raising eyebrows) Right. (Not the one living in Manchester. Every carpet seller has at least two brothers; one by chance living surprisingly close to you and the other with a shop)

CS4 It’s carpet shop. Come see. No need buy. Just looking.

Hamish (dismissively) I'm ok thanks.

CS4 No need buy. Just looking. But not expensive.

Hamish (voice slightly raised) No thanks.

CS4 Would you like to come and just looking.

Hamish (holding back. Just) No, Really I'm fine.

CS4 Tea?

Hamish NO!

CS4 Maybe tomorrow?

Hamish (Looks daggers)

CS4 (Slopes off towards another tourist)

SCENE 2


Two minutes later, Hamish has returned from the closed Ali Qapu Palace where he was to have taken the money shot of the Imam Mosque from the roof in the perfect late afternoon sun. He is looking slightly less happy than he was two minutes ago.

Enter 5th carpet seller of the hour.


CS5 (Clears throat). Hi. Where you from?

Hamish England.

CS5 Oh England. David Beckham. Margaret Thatcher.

Hamish Right.

CS5 I'm Ahmad.

Hamish Hi Ahmad.

CS5 I have a brother in Grimsby.

Hamish (Grimsby, that's second division?) (lacking enthusiasm) Great.

CS5 Yes, Grimsby near Chelsea.

Hamish And you have another brother with a carpet shop, right.

CS5 Right.

Hamish But I don't need to buy anything right?

CS5 Right.

Hamish Just looking.

CS5 Oh. Yes. Just looking……So you don't want carpet then?

Hamish (very audibly) No I'm fine thanks.

CS5 (tentatively): How about a guide?

Hamish AAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

CS4 (scuttles off into bazaar).